Saturday, September 04, 2010

external dilemma

I think the reason why I'm feeling so unable to blog at the moment (besides the time constraints etc etc) is that I'm living so externally that it's really hard to order my thoughts. Honestly its hard to HAVE thoughts at all.

The things I'm thinking about are immediate things; lists, what to pack, who to call, reminders, memo's. Life moves at a crazy pace from one immediate priority to the next, with so little space in between.
Amanda Blake, one of those bloggers one should never, never try and compare oneself too, says she thinks/dreams/composes in small pockets of time while doing other mundane chores - while hanging out washing for example, or changing a nappy. I'm just not that disciplined. When I find myself with some 'free' head space I tend to just drift off, switch off, blank out for a moment. I can't seem to muster the brain energy to be remotely creative then, I'm so grateful for a snippet of time in which nothing or no one else is demanding output from me that I squander it on that increasingly precious commodity, nothing.

And I'm starting to realise this isn't the wisest thing to do.

I'm living externally. My life is about doing, moving, outputs.
I output milk, time, reassurance, love, strength, dinner, patience. I spend time talking, making, doing, feeding. Let's be clear, its not that I'm not enjoying these things, this is not intended to be a whinge post about how I never get to do anything.
I'm very aware of how immensely privileged I am to be doing what I'm doing. In more ways than not I'm loving my life right now. It's just that I've realised how external it is.

And that's starting to bug me a bit.

Writing makes me happy. I write my blog. My blog makes me happy. I need more time to blog.

How do I make more time? I fear I've touched on the answer already ... discipline. Alas alack this is just another area in which I'll have to buck up and be a grown up.

So that's the answer then.

No more facebook.


Rusty Hoe said...

Facebook is an evil temptress. I vow no more and yet I am drawn to find out what Jersyshore character I am, or join the "Bring back Magnum PI" group. I wish you luck and am in awe of your courage. :)

Deer Baby said...

I know exactly what you mean about when you do get a minute to yourself it's hard to suddenly leap into creative mode. When I've got nothing immediately to do, no pressing engagements, no one pestering or demanding, I tend to switch off. It is when I am in full on pelt mode that ideas for writing and stories come to hand and I have to grab a notebook there and then before they elude me. I cut ties with Facebook some while ago. My account's still on there but I never (well, almost hardly ever) go on there now. But sadly I replaced it with Twitter - facebook's evil twin.

krista said...

soulemama is the very first blog i read. she's still the one thing i make sure to find time for daily. but, yes, i have to learn how to stop comparing myself to her as well.