Sunday, September 12, 2010

internal dilemma

And so I shunned the distractions of the digital screen for a week and turned inward upon myself. To ponder and examine, to assess and evaluate.
And lo, it was not good.

And no, it was not just withdrawal from facebook, I genuinely had a pretty low emotional week. Turns out making time for my internals made them uncomfortable, they didn't enjoy the scrutiny and certainly didn't feel like showing a stiff emotional upper lip and pretending they were fine and dandy just because I'd deigned to show them some attention.

Turns out in fact that my emotional inners are not fine and dandy and are in fact deeply resentful of how they've been ignored in recent months. Turns out I have quite a bit of uncertainty, angst, concerns for the future and general low-grade worry that I've been harbouring unawares for some time.
I'd have to say I blame breast-feeding hormones, those ones that tell you everything is fiiiiine while at the same time stealing your brain. Not unlike recreational drugs, or so I'm told.

It may also having something to do with my baby reaching 6 months (six months!!!) and the realisation that she'll not be a baby forever (what? WHAT?) and that there might just be some life waiting to be lived when I pop my head out of this baby bubble.

Don't you just love the indulgence of the privileged? Six months of blissful stay-at-home breast-feeding with no real end in sight and still she moans ...

But the point is I wasn't. Moaning that is.
I thought I was happy and loving it all, but turns out that, amongst other things, I hate my house, am reallio trullio worried about my career, am able to burst into actual tears at a moment's notice, am capable of being Grumpy McGrumpness from Grumpville for a whole week and most interestingly, can suppress all of this whenever I don't feel like dealing with it.

I had some genuine extremely and most delicious fun times this week with some of my favourite friends, but in the quiet hours when the day's fun was over and the girls in bed and there were no distractions to be had, I found I wasn't happy. And that sucks.
Especially for Husband who, as always, had to pick up the pieces.

There's work to be done y'all, there are facts to be faced and plans to be laid and grown-up type grips to be gotten.
I'm meeting my tax accountant in the morning. I'm seeing the dentist later this week. And most urgently, I'm planning a holiday.
'Cos my internals deserve a getaway, and pary tell how else will they get here if I don't physically take them?


MissBuckle said...

Sounds like those internals needed a visit even if it is uncomfertable :-)

krista said...

can you take my internals on that trip with you?

julochka said...

i noticed you'd left facebook, but of course, thought you'd only left ME on facebook. because that's how i roll.

i think the internals are a normal part of the whole baby thing and of coming up for air. oh, and of life.

and that reminds me, i still have that little quilty to send you. your baby can't be six months old. i'm not THAT lame. (oh wait, it's come back to me. sorry about that.)

as my friend heidi once wisely said to me, "perk the fuck up." :-) that and buy yourself some shoes. that always works for me.


Heather said...

i stumbled upon your blog from design sponge seeking that insanely gorgeous couch, but i'm sticking around for posts like these (well, all of your posts, really). your honesty and willingness to share the good and the bad is really, well, lovely.