Thursday, October 23, 2008

ups & downs


That pretty much sums up a lot of how I've been feeling the last week or so. A little grey around the edges, a little lack-lustre. A lot of blah.

But even consistent blah would be more manageable then this bizarre pseudo-manic-depressive, up and down, a constant oscillation from bling : ) to blah : |, with occasional brief plummets into : (. And I can't really trace its origins to any one thing, just seems to be an accumulative roller-coaster (no, roller-coaster is too exciting sounding, this doesn't even warrant that kind of association), maybe an accumulative goods lift of ups and downs which play out every day, every up a momentary breath of fresh air, every down crushingly boring and blah-inducing.

Ok there, I had a little pitiful roll in that pile of shit, now I'll break it down in an attempt to wrangle this blahness into something more controllable.


Up: 5 hours of stimulating & well-paid work a week, possible more full-time exciting project on the horizon.

Down: 5 hours (while I do love the work and am deeply grateful for it) is just not enough to really get excited about. Let alone get dressed for. And possible more full-time exciting project? Ja, I'm not falling for that one until I see an offer on the table.

Up: 3 possibles in 3 weeks is not bad going for a freelancer who took over a year out.

Down: 3 possibles. No definites.


(ok wait, lets start channeling the right energy here - yawn - and list the downs first, followed by the upbeat and energising ups. You can't say I'm not trying ok....)

Down: Toddlerdom. Seriously, new balls please! What is this ego-developing, personality asserting, will exerting bullshit? Why must something as pleasant and harmless as eating yoghurt for gods sake turn into the clash of the titans? I mean, obviously she gets it from her father right?

Ups: Soooooo many. The child says 'helicopter'. At 16 months! And many other words besides. She understands, she communicates, watching her powers of perception and deduction develop is totally exciting and stimulating, she fawns over me (what an ego rush) and is clearly never happier then when by my side.

Down: Or in my arms. Unless we're on a busy street or in a crowded shop. Then she refuses to be in my arms. But at home, when I might want to be deep-frying something or sharpening knives or... (you get the idea, something which absolutely requires two hands and is unquestionably not baby-friendly) noooo, then she simply must be hanging off me, else wrapped around my ankles in full melt-down.

Up: I love her.


Down: I feel so unproductive! 

Up: Having a nanny 3 times a week has really enabled me to get stuff done. When I'm motivated to do it.

Down: I feel so unmotivated!

Up: The wonderful blogosphere and interweb in general has given me loads of inspiration and uplifted me in so many ways.

Down: I spend all my 'free' time on the internet getting inspired and then the nanny leaves and I'm wrangling a high-spirited toddler and feeling so unproductive, and pissed off that I spent so much time online.

Up: I've been making real progress on my own (mini) studio space and will be ready to reveal it soon... I don't really know what I'm going to be doing there but am following the 'if you build it, he (in this case my muse, hopefully in the guise of George Clooney NOT Kevin Costner) will come'. Oh, just re-read that.. wha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I gotta take all the laughs I get these days.

Down: Goddamn I'm still so fat and it's summer again.

Up: The little 'un thinks it's very entertaining when I exercycle. And if she insists on being in my arms while I do, think what that's doing to my pecs?!


Down: It sucks.

Up: I have a wonderful husband and a bright child and my health and a loving family and lots of good friends.

Down: That's supposed to make everything else ok but it doesn't really all the time and so on top of everything else I have to feel guilty about that too.

Up: We just started watching Season 4 of The Wire and it kicks ass!

And that's my pity party done. The lights are going out, the bunting coming down, Leonard Cohen's off the stereo, and I'm going to bed. Tomorrow will dawn full of possibility and hope.

And it better fucking deliver.

1 comment:

julochka said...

up: all of us feel like this at one time or another.

up: there's blogging about to help get it out of your system!

up: there's people out here listening. people who can totally relate.

down: i totally get what you say about how much awesome inspiration there is on the internet, but getting out from behind the screen and doing it isn't always easy.

what it sounds like to me, overall, is that you're ready to go back to work. to have outside adult contact. to use your brain again. i remember that feeling well. children are wonderful and fabulous and enrich your life in ways you cannot imagine until you have one, but they do not give you everything you need. :-) make the most of the 5 hours a week--bathe, get dressed, put on makeup (i think i've started talking to myself here) and go enjoy those 5 hours with people outside the house!

happy weekend!